I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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