I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
