his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
