and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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