so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
