dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
