I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize