ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
