Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
