I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
