whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
