new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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