How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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