my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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