I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
