I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
