It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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