I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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