Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
40s are totally the cure
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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