Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
