I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
