so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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