watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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