you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
