Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
