The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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