I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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