Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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