Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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