He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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