just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
