I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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