I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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