The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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