dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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