I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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