I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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