so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
