I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
