I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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