I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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