OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
