Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
