how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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