i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
