Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
