Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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