theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
