He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
this will be a night to untag.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
