I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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