Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
