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thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
