A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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